Join Date: 05-30-07
Location: Tampa, Florida
Member #: 16996
Dating Contract for your daughter
****APPLICATION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER****
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a
complete financial statement, job history,
lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
DATE OF BIRTH_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES______________________________
HOME ADDRESS_________________________ CITY/STATE_______________ ZIP______
Do you have parents?__Yes __No
Is one male and the other female?__Yes __No
If No, explain: _______________________________
Number of years they have been married____________
If less than your age, explain___________________________________________ ________________________________________________
A. Do you own or have access to a van?
B. A truck with oversized tires?__Yes __No
C. A waterbed?__Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back?
E. A tattoo?__Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?
(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE'
mean to you?____________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH
MY DAUGHTER' mean to you? ________________________
In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE'
mean to you? ___________________________________
Church you attend ? __Yes __No
How often you attend ?__________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
Father? __________ Mother? ___________
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
C: A woman's place is in the:_________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ______________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)
Father's Signature ___________________
Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try
to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
(you might want to watch your back)
To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.
Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at
her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age
to w ear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to
ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities
to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her
throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake
the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the
guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine!
Are you sure you want to date my daughter?
Sign here again ___________________